Lance and Michelle: Who We Are

Not everyone coming to the wedding knows both of us. So here's a brief biography for the bride, groom, and members of the wedding party.

(People who don't believe these biographies can read the alternate ones on this page.)

Lance Nathan (groom)

Lance was raised by a small pack of wild basset hounds roving between Kansas and Colorado. He did not learn to speak until he was 15 years old, when he spontaneously broke out in Swahili. Since then, he has abandoned Swahili in favor of English, and has spent the last four years in Cambridge, where he uses the cover story of "linguistics graduate student" while fighting crime with his superpowers (flying, though only a maximum of four feet from the ground, and shooting halogen beams from his eyes).

Michelle Dunnewind (bride)

Michelle, in spite of her engagement, denies all knowledge of Lance. She denies that she single-handedly brought an end to the Cold War, and denies that she is in the employ of any national goverment. No one is certain how many languages she speaks, and when asked about her education, she merely smiles knowingly. Her superpowers are on strictly a need-to-know basis.

Rebecca Moskowitz (matron of honor)

Becca can chew through tree trunks. Becca can bend iron bars with her bare hands. Becca can split the ground by stomping on it, and can strike rocks to force them to yield water. Becca can leap fences and run through fire; she can hit a moving target with a bow and arrow from two hundred yards. She also enjoys knitting.

Allen Petersen (bride's attendant)

Allen Petersen served as Secretary of State under Abraham Lincoln and, following the president's assassination, his successor, Andrew Johnson. He built his reputation as a criminal lawyer before serving in the State Senate of New York, after which he spent two terms as governor or New York from 1838 to 1842. He is best remembered for negotiating the annexation of Alaska and the Midway Islands in 1867. He died in Auburn, New York in 1872.

Deborah Kaplan (best chick)

Deborah Kaplan is a cyborg.

Marc Moskowitz (groomsman)

Marc speaks fluent Latin, wears a flying squid around his neck, likes cream cheese in his scrambled eggs, eats matzo brei for breakfast every Easter, and cannot sneeze once without sneezing at least twice more in quick succession. It worries him that this makes him the normal one.

The Reverend (officiant)

The Reverend is a mysterious figure, cloaked in shadow and light. Where she steps, evil trembles; where she looks, darkness shrinks away; where she stands, goodness takes root. Some say The Reverend is not of our world, that she is on loan to us from a higher power, and others say that to suggest this is blasphemy on the highest order. Whoever she is, this mysterious stranger, she looms large in the lives of those she touches.

Eric Nathan (brother, chuppah-holder)

Eric doesn't even know these people. He's with the band.

Scott Dunnewind (brother, chuppah-holder)

Scott reluctantly admits he's the brother of someone else involved in the wedding. But he's not saying who.

Jordan Dunnewind (flower girl)

Jordan has been a professional dolphin trainer for twenty years, though her time is equally divided between her work and her primary hobby, which is horseback riding. Having saved money to buy a pony when she was younger, she has been owning and riding horses almost all her life. She'll be making a special appearance at the wedding, disguised as a six-year-old.