Tales from the Chocolate Factory Crypt

McMullin, Elise emcmullin at kl.com
Fri Feb 11 14:37:49 EST 2000


Someone just sent me this.  Compelled to share:



> To Whom It May Concern:
> 
> If you are reading this, I am already dead. Ever since Mr. 
> Wonka left me the chocolate factory, my life has been a living 
> hell. I had woken on several occasions to what I am sure were 
> the Oompa Loompas stroking my young body. Within two 
> weeks of taking control of the factory, my grandfather became 
> addicted to Fizzy Lifting drinks, culminating in a tragic fan 
> accident. I am sure the Oompa Loompas ate the remains.
> 
> The ghosts of the dead children haunt my every waking 
> moment, and pursue me through these twisted halls in my 
> nightmares. Veruca screams, burning from the harsh flames 
> of the furnace. Augustus Gloop gurgles chocolate from his 
> bloated features as he struggles to call my name. The gum-
> chewing girl bursts on a regular basis, showering me with 
> blueberry-scented entrails. I think Mike TV still lives in the 
> walls like a mouse, stealing my things and keeping me 
> awake with his tiny footsteps.
> 
> My other grandparents died long ago, and I shudder to think 
> of their final fate at the hands of those tiny orange-skinned 
> monsters. My mother long ago went insane, teeth rotting from 
> candy. She is locked in the cellar, though I feel her fetid 
> breath washing over me from time to time and hear her 
> shrieking laughter...  "golden ticket... golden ticket."
> 
> The pressures of all this have broken me, compounded with 
> the trials of a 10-year-old trying to run a factory populated with 
> imps, with ledgers all cut in half and unreadable. As I take my 
> life, leaping from the Wonkavator (freedom, sweet freedom), I 
> damn thee Wonka. Wherever your soul may rest, I damn 
> thee.
> 
> Farewell,
> 
> Charlie
> 
> 
> 
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